Beauty in the Waiting

Kyle and I knew going into our marriage that we wanted to have kids, but we decided to wait a few years and just be a married couple for awhile.

After about a year and a half, and lots of prayer, we felt it was time to try and start our family.

God had given me such a clear vision for a family life that I knew it was affirmation of a promise to be fulfilled. And since we thought it was the right timing it was going to happen immediately, right?

Turns out, God had a different plan. Even though I knew going into it that we may not get pregnant right away, that didn’t change my hopes that it would. Within the first 6 months of trying four different friends got pregnant. All seemingly without trying for more than a month or two themselves.

I was happy for them, but I was left with heartache and more questions than answers.

Why not us God? People get pregnant by accident all the time.

Why isn’t this working?

Is it because I’m not enough?

Is it ever going to happen?

Why do we have to wait?

Did you forget about me?

The tests were negative and I feared that ever annoying monthly reminder from mother nature. After two panic attacks and familiar feelings of depression coming up, I knew it was time to see a counselor. On the first day I walked in and broke down into tears hyperventilating and barely able to get a sentence out.

Every week I would leave feeling emotionally raw and vulnerable after I had sat sharing my fragile heart. I kept going and knew that it had to lead to healing. Counseling ended up being just what I needed and helped me see that my life was more than what wasn’t happening.

I was grieving the life I thought I would have and blaming myself before I realized that the time I had now had it’s own beauty.

While I was feeling broken for not being able to get pregnant in the time that I thought was right, I was missing out on all of the joys of just being married. My mind was consumed with what I didn’t have in my life that I forgot to see what was already there.

I found that when we are waiting for something in our lives to be fulfilled we can get tunnel vision and completely miss out on what is actually happening.

I also want to say that it may not turn out like you imagine and that’s ok. We serve a loving God who has a plan for us. It may look like disappointment at first, but I hope you know that something better is ahead and there is a purpose for the here and now.

The beauty we are meant to find will look different for all of us.

Maybe it’s a time to draw closer to Jesus.

Maybe it’s to learn something.

Maybe it’s to lean on your loved ones.

Maybe it’s to find rest.

Maybe it’s simply just to be present.

It took me over a year to see the beauty in my waiting season. I hope it doesn’t take you that long.

For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

Jeremiah 29:11 (NIV)

If you are in a season of waiting  I hope that you can rest assured that Jesus is faithful.